Platte County Sheriff Mark Owens Stepping Down

 PLATTE CITY, Mo. — In this brave new world, that often doesn't bother to make room for or appreciate the needs of law enforcement, Platte County sheriff, Mark Owen, has declared that he won't grace the county with his presence in the 2024 reelection circus. Hold back those tears, folks, because instead of gracing us with his eternal wisdom, Sheriff Owen has magnanimously decided to retire after a mere 40 years of tolerating our woke nonsense. Owen, a true American hero, served in the U.S. Marine Corps before embarking on his illustrious law enforcement career. You know, because fighting for justice is just a phase; real heroes retire early.

In a statement that surely had violins playing in the background, Owen graciously acknowledged the immense luck bestowed upon Platte County by his mere existence. “Platte County is fortunate to have such a dedicated sheriff’s department, staff, and great citizens. I feel honored to have worked alongside the men and women of the Platte County Sheriff’s Department, the local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies, and the Platte County Prosecutor’s Office,” said Owen. Nothing says gratitude like leaving citizens to fend for themselves in a world of rising crimes that clearly needs a caped crusader.

The sheriff then went on to express his deep gratitude for the unparalleled honor of working alongside the heroes that make up the Platte County Sheriff's Department. "Together, we have built a strong partnership," he declared, as if he personally crafted each brick in the hallowed walls of justice. And let's not forget the obligatory thanks to the citizens, because, you know, it's not easy being the chosen one.

Owen, who has been the sheriff since the Paleolithic era, serving an astonishing three terms, has also decided to relinquish the county's jail, dispatching services, and whatever else he deigned to oversee. A true loss for humanity.

But fear not, for a savior has emerged! Maj. Erik Holland, the chosen heir to the throne of justice, has declared his intention to run for Platte County sheriff. "It has been an honor to serve as his Undersheriff," declared Holland, subtly suggesting that he's the one who deserves a crown made of justice.

So, let the countdown begin until Sheriff Owen ascends to the law enforcement heavens, leaving us mere mortals to navigate the treacherous waters of this modern world without his benevolent guidance. Oh, what a loss for us all.