Gladstone Residents Left to Forage for Kale Elsewhere
By This Lil Happy Rock, Special to the Obvious News Network
GLADSTONE, MO — Tragedy has struck suburbia. The City of Gladstone announced with deep, bureaucratic regret that the 2025 Farmers Market season at the historic Atkins-Johnson Farm and Museum has been canceled. That’s right — the dreams of freshly plucked radishes, artisanal soaps, and those slightly overpriced heirloom tomatoes have officially withered on the vine.
Why, you ask? According to city officials, the collapse of this sacred weekend ritual can be blamed on a “series of challenges” — which is code for “we lost one guy who grew lettuce and couldn’t find enough squash.” Apparently, the entire operation was hanging by the fragile thread of one key vendor, whose departure was enough to send the whole season crumbling like a stale scone.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more predictable — let’s not forget the nationwide shortage of actual farm workers. You know, the folks who pick the vegetables we pretend we’re buying “local”? Turns out that years of immigration crackdowns under Mr. Obama, but — also including those with the signature flourish of one Mr. Trump, — have left many farmers struggling to find hands to harvest their produce. Because nothing says “America First” like an empty farmers market and a surplus of unpicked zucchini rotting in the fields.
But wait, there’s more! Despite tariffs on foreign food meant to boost domestic agriculture (because, you know, supply chain patriotism), Gladstone still can’t manage to keep a small-town farmers market alive. Apparently, trade wars don’t grow tomatoes when not a single American wants to harvest for pay— who knew? While grocery prices rise and imported produce gets slapped with extra fees, our local markets are quietly folding because we still don’t have enough people to pick, sell, or apparently even organize a couple tables under a canopy.
Early-season produce was also mysteriously “limited,” as if Mother Nature herself conspired with market organizers to ensure no one in Gladstone gets to Instagram a beet this year.
“This was a difficult decision,” organizers wrote, presumably between bites of grocery store strawberries. “We hope to bring the market back stronger in 2026,” because if there’s one thing we all know, it's that next year will definitely fix everything.
While nearby markets in Liberty, Parkville, and Smithville thrive, Gladstone cancels its own—blaming vendors and weather. Maybe the real issue is closer to home: crumbling streets, poor communication, and questionable city leadership. Residents deserve answers—and accountability—starting at City Hall. In the meantime, residents are encouraged to seek produce the old-fashioned way: by wandering confused through the fluorescent aisles of big-box stores while trying to remember if organic cucumbers are actually worth the extra dollar.
RIP, Gladstone Farmers Market. May your pop-up tents and folding tables return someday — stronger, greener, and with at least two whole vendors.
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