GLADSTONE — “No Fireworks Allowed!” (Except When They're Sold Next to a Gas Station)
In a stunning display of logic only local government could master, authorities have confirmed that a recent home explosion was not due to a gas leak. They indicated that fireworks—banned within Gladstone city limits—are likely what caused a recent home explosion, although the investigation is still on going. Naturally, this shocking revelation has led officials to reflect deeply on how such a tragedy could occur in a city where fireworks are strictly prohibited... except for the part where you can buy them right on the edge of town. Next to a gas station. Because that makes sense.
The conveniently placed fireworks megastore at 64th and North Oak—just a spark’s skip from explosive fuel—has been identified by residents as a real head-scratcher. “Sure, we ban fireworks use,” said absolutely no one in charge, “but we never said anything about banning dangerously convenient access to them.”
Officials clarified that the store sits juuuust outside Gladstone, in the magical jurisdictional no-man’s-land known as Oakview, where the motto appears to be: “Not Our Boom, Not Our Problem.”
Local residents took to social media to express their surprise that combustible materials sold within city-sniffing distance could result in, well, combustion. Some even reminisced fondly about the good old days of launching fireballs safely in the country, where only crops and the occasional barn risked incineration.
As the investigation continues, city leaders urge residents to continue purchasing fireworks responsibly—just don’t light them. Or store them. Or live anywhere near someone who does.
And remember: if it explodes, it's probably banned… unless it’s for sale next to a Shell station.
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