“Mayor Q-Ball Approves Red-Light Cameras, City Budget Breathes Sigh Of Relief”
KANSAS CITY — Mayor Quinton Lucas has once again proven that leadership means bold ideas, like outsourcing law enforcement to a GoPro duct-taped to a stoplight. Red-light cameras are officially making their triumphant, totally-not-unconstitutional return to Kansas City.
According to City Hall, the devices will “improve public safety” by making sure drivers can only get three cars deep into an intersection before the light turns red and everyone gets a $200 postcard of shame in the mail. “We’re not trying to make money off this,” officials insisted, while rubbing their hands together like cartoon villains standing in front of a vault marked City Budget Shortfall.
Local drivers are thrilled. “I wish the city had laser cannons to vaporize people who run red lights,” said one resident, proving that we’ve all officially given up on nuance. Meanwhile, skeptics wonder how the cameras will issue tickets to vehicles with fake tags, stolen cars, or the roughly 40% of traffic that is basically Mad Max: Independence Edition.
Civil liberties advocates raised concerns that the cameras could easily be upgraded into a 24/7 surveillance grid. “Nonsense,” replied city officials. “We would never, ever use taxpayer-funded cameras to track citizens’ every move… unless we needed to.”
Mayor Lucas himself brushed off criticism, noting that his commute from City Hall to Missie B’s contains no red lights and therefore no cameras. “Coincidence,” he said, adjusting his tie and speed-walking out the back door.
In the end, everyone wins: reckless drivers keep driving recklessly, the city gets millions in fresh revenue, and Kansas Citians can rest easy knowing that every time they scratch their nose in traffic, someone in a municipal office is watching in 4K.
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