GLADSTONE: WELCOME TO THUNDERDOME 🚨
Forget the “safe suburbs” sales pitch from your realtor—Gladstone just had a full-blown machete chase down North Oak. Yes, machete. As in “jungle warfare,” but instead of the Amazon, it’s the Hy-Vee parking lot.
A guy with a giant blade charges deputies not once, not twice, but multiple times in broad daylight. Families driving home from soccer practice? Shoppers grabbing milk? Congratulations, you were one bad turn away from being extras in a low-budget horror flick.
And here’s the kicker: this isn’t downtown, this isn’t Prospect Ave., this isn’t some “bad neighborhood” the news loves to name-drop. Nope. This is right in the leafy Northland—Gladstone, where people still cling to the fantasy that crime stops at the river. Spoiler: it doesn’t. The machetes are here, and they brought friends.
So what’s next? Chainsaw standoffs in Price Chopper? Crossbow showdowns at QuickTrip? At this rate, North Oak is going to need watchtowers and moats just to keep grocery runs civilized.
And let’s not pretend this is a one-off. Between sketchy gas station encounters, random thefts, and now armed lunatics sprinting down North Oak, it feels like Gladstone is slowly inheriting the same crime headlines people used to shrug off as “only happening in Kansas City proper.” The Northland is losing its bubble, folks.
Sure, deputies got there in time, and thank God no one innocent was hurt this round. But how many near-misses does it take before people stop believing the lie that Gladstone is insulated from metro crime? Lock your doors, keep your head on a swivel, and maybe think twice about late-night errands—because apparently the machetes are moving in.
But hey, don’t worry—they tell us the suspect’s injuries aren’t life-threatening. That’s right, he’ll be back on the streets soon enough, probably pricing out bigger knives. Sleep tight, Gladstone. 🔪
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