GLADSTONE — In a bold display of municipal optimism, the Gladstone Neighborhood Commission announced Tuesday that it is now accepting applications for its home repair grant program — a beloved annual tradition in which hundreds of residents apply and approximately four people actually get funded.
According to the Commission, the program is designed to “help homeowners in need,” a mission statement bravely delivered without cracking a smile. Officials say the grants can be used for critical repairs such as fixing leaking roofs, shoring up failing foundations, or, in truly dire cases, replacing that one porch step everyone trips on but still refuses to acknowledge as a problem.
Residents are encouraged to apply “as soon as possible,” ideally within the 15-minute window before the entire fund is depleted. In previous years, the application period has famously closed faster than sign-ups for a free Chick-fil-A sandwich.
Neighborhood Commission staff are reportedly preparing for the annual tradition of calling applicants to say, “We’re so sorry—your project was very compelling, but unfortunately the funds were exhausted approximately six seconds after we opened applications.”
Still, Gladstone officials insist the program remains vital.
“Even if only a tiny fraction of applicants receive help, we want the community to know we’re committed to the idea of doing something,” said one city representative, while pointing out the window at a large pothole celebrating its third birthday.
Meanwhile, hopeful homeowners across the city have already begun drafting heartfelt application essays explaining why their collapsing deck or haunted electrical system should be the chosen one.
The Commission has pledged to make the application process “simple and accessible,” though insiders confirm that applicants will still need to upload at least 19 photos, a notarized statement from their furnace, and a personal essay titled ‘How My Home Became an OSHA Violation.’
Applications will remain open until funds run out, residents give up, or the Commission accidentally forwards everything to the spam folder—whichever comes first.
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