By Josiah Ranen
Parents often minimize their children’s emotions. I have
seen parents mock or beat their kids when having emotions. You know like crying
or being sad. My own mother did the same to me, and I am a very stoic person
today. I like being stoic and I am in full control of my emotions. I learned at
an early age to never show my emotions, and it has helped in the professional
workplace which expects a certain level of stoicism. But I am also very uncomfortable when others
display emotions. I was avoidant when it
came to expressing emotions when I was younger although I am less so as I age. While
I have never beat or mocked my kids for crying, I have consistently told to
them to “calm down” which is most certainly minimalizing their emotions.
Here is the thing. Kids have no practice handling emotions,
so the seemingly tiny, bad thing that happened to them is legitimately the
worst thing that has ever happened to them. Then they become adults who can’t
handle their emotions. They have no idea what to do with negative emotions
except exhibit fear and be on the verge of crying hysterically. I'm in my 40s
and must do this with my boss (who is a few years older than me). She gets
frustrated and starts yelling and screaming at employees. I have literally said
what you did:
You’re allowed to feel that way, you’re just not allowed to
behave that way.
It doesn't always change as they get older, unfortunately
If I had been raised by my mother only, I would be the same,
but I was fortunate that my father had a high level of emotional intelligence
who never let his emotions get the better of himself. He would still give me a swat
of the leather belt when I did something wrong but with no anger and
then spent the next 10 minutes calmly and rationally explaining why my behavior
(such as taking my sister’s toy or not cleaning my room) was incorrect. It felt
like love in the sense that he cared. I always knew he was upset at what I did
and not at me personally. The point is also to calibrate their emotions. It's
not the same as minimizing them. How would they learn without feedback?
So different than my
mother who flew in to rage when you did something she did not like, beat you
hard with the metal end of a belt buckle and then tell you to leave the room
and not bother her for the rest of the day without even explaining what we did
wrong. There were way too many times when I felt like she never loved me and
despised me. Because she told me that I was trying to spite her, but I suspect
I just did not know how to regulate emotions yet. As an older child, I became
quiet and meek to avoid her beatings.
But it is very unfortunate
for those children who only had parental figures like my mother. So many parents
over here expect kids just to be emotionally well adjusted and mature when
realistically they themselves are often lacking in said areas!
People forget that the point is to correct the behavior, not
the feeling. I think an important part of your
reaction as a parent is to put their emotion into a context. They need to learn
by experience and context that it is not the worst thing, even though they also
need to learn that you will be there for them as comfort and support. They can
learn that if you as the parent do not overreact. I learned to manage my
emotions by seeing my father manage his. So be that example.
It also seems far too common for people to treat a child's
natural curiosity as being difficult much as my mother treated mine with the
constant slaps. I learned not to ask any They're not asking 'but why'
constantly to be difficult, they probably just actually want to know. I know it
can be tiring, but it's really important for their development to get a
reasonable answer to those kinds of questions, much as my father gave me.
If you want the children in your life to grow up to have critical thinking skills and a reasonable level of self-reliance, you need to entertain their 'but why' questions instead of just giving them a non-answer or just telling them to accept it and move on. I know it's really tempting to just give a 'because I said so' or 'that's just the way it is' answer, but in doing that you're just teaching them to blindly follow authority, instead of developing their own understanding of the world so they can think for themselves. Also, if you don't know, it's okay to say that; It's even better to follow that up with 'let's find out together'.
I have a lil girl almost 2 years old. She has zero impulse
control and will try to hit when she’s mad. That is normal for her age. My job
as her parent is to give her a safe and appropriate way to be mad, not scold
her for feeling that way.
“I can see that you’re mad, but we don’t hit people. We can
stomp our feet when we’re mad!”
Obviously, this will change as she gets older and more able
to actually regulate those emotions, but the point still stands. You’re allowed
to feel that way, you’re just not allowed to behave that way. What is important
is that she sees me not getting angry back at her. Eventually she will start to
copy my own behavior.
This lil girl has no issue coming to me and telling me she
is mad at me or that I upset her which is absolutely fantastic. I try to do
this with my older kids although it is not as effective since I started doing
this at older ages. I don't react emotionally, I apologize, if need be, and we
talk it out. She’s able to do something at 2 that I could not do with my own
mother until I was 25 because of how she raised me. Now I talk back and she
still tells me that I’m annoyed and she can’t stand me sometimes. My different
opinion from you without it automatically being a sign of disrespect. Some adult
egos can’t handle that, apparently. I just smile tell her she is just going to
have to put up with me the way my dad puts up with her. Then I give her a big
hug. I know how to handle her now.
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